We couldn't resist this story, I mean, let's face it, this award needs to be ... well, it just needs to be. It's the Literary Review Bad Sex Award, and Tom Wolfe’s latest novel has won it for this year. The winning excerpt was from I Am Charlotte Simmons. Set in a university, it is written from the viewpoint of a shy country girl who is horrified by the cultural excesses she finds herself, er, up against:

‘Hoyt began moving his lips as if he were trying to suck the ice cream off the top of a cone without using his teeth ... Slither slither slither slither went the tongue, but the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns ...’

The award has a 12 year history, and Tom Conti was presenting it (a statue, rather boringly we thought) together with a bottle of champagne, but Wolfe was one of the few authors who declined to accept it. Other placegetters, both ruder and funnier, can be checked out in the Guardian story. Kids, ask your parents.