I’ve been perusing Way of the Jafa – the guide to surviving Auckland and Aucklanders by Lee Baker and Benjamin Crellin, and from time to time I’ve actually had tears in my eyes. Mostly of laughter.

I have to say, I kind of thought this would be a bit of a toe-curler, but apart from a slightly dodgy opening gambit or two the book manages to combine witty and well-observed Auckland phenomena and pithy topical/historical comments with foolish exaggeration – mostly to funny effect. Billed as a survival guide, it covers Jafa etiquette, dating, employment, exercise and entertainment, among other essential Jafa topics.

It starts with a brief run through Auckland’s history, e.g:

• 1981 – Anti-tour protests. Cliff Richard tour eventually cancelled.
• 2003 – P epidemic grips Auckland, newsreaders. Britomart Station opened.
• 2004 – Britomart welcomes its 100th commuter.

And moves on to sociology and geography:

Auckland is world-renowned for its classical late-80s architecture. It features some of the world’s best examples of faceless glass building, some dating back as far as 15 years.

Auckland has long had a serious drug problem. Quality drugs are still very hard to come by and are often grossly overpriced…

My personal favourite in this section (being a westie myself) is the section on the popular hairstyle known to all New Zealanders as the ‘mullet’. According to Lee and Ben, it is ‘believed to have spread from unqualified hairdressers in Wellington’s Hutt Valley’ and was traced to the ‘early 1980s when poor people could only afford to have the sides and tops of their hair cut … by 1997 it had spread to Auckland with the west of the city worst hit … the Auckland City Council vowed to rid the city of this menace by the aerial spraying of West Auckland … the Council now monitors the Jafa Mullet population by using a ‘tag and release’ programme.’

There’s decidedly un-PC comment on the state of the housing market:

The time to buy was when you could pick up most of the waterfront with the extra blankets from your spare room and that jar of buttons in the shed.

Originally an LA phenomenon but increasingly popular in South Auckland, cribs are prized for their posses and gaggles of booty-touting bitches. Cribs can be rented out as locations to film crews shooting rap and R&B videos, helping pay the mortgage …

And a restaurant guide:

At Wotto’s you can order the Southern Hemisphere’s most expensive salad, the ‘Petit’ which consists of two leaves of rocket, one pine nut and a single shaving of Parmesan cheese drizzled in anchovy ejaculate ($64).

Cars and cellphones play a huge part in how Jafas see themselves, of course, and there are many and varied gags on similar themes. Lots of clichés here but again, more laughs, including terms in the glossary of Jafanese:

• Car-stration – the loss of a Jafa’s car or driver’s licence, and
• Cellabit – a Jafa who, on principle, chooses not to have a cellphone.

and advise on the Jafa driving codes of conduct:

Signal for at least three second, longer if you’re really angry. And … if you die in an accident as a result of texting while driving, at least your last act on Earth makes you look popular and ‘with it’.

So, all in all an entertaining read for all members of Kiwi society. Not really something you’d sit down and plough through though, more of a ‘dipper’. Try it with a good extra-virgin olive oil and some dukkah, perhaps while doing some texting in your 'Remuera tractor'.